I just need to get something off my chest that has been bothering me in my newly single state.
I feel as though a general assumption is that the person who calls for the break-up is automatically okay. Obviously, I am talking about myself, and I was the one who wanted to break up with my ex. The misconception, however, is that the heartbreak is only one-sided...on his side.
If you know me at all, you know that I am loyal in my relationships. I value my friends and the people I invest my time and emotions with are the most important people in my life. My ex, who I dated for over a year and a half, was THE most important person in my life for that length of time plus over a year prior, during which time we were close friends.
Perhaps if a break-up is warranted by something such as cheating or violent behavior, feelings can simply be cut off due to the horrible hurt and realization that one deserves better. But my break-up was not warranted by those reasons. For me, quite simply, I didn't know that my future included the person I was with. I didn't dislike my ex. I didn't wish bad things upon him. I didn't want to be alone at night, and I didn't want to lose his friendship.
What I did want was freedom. I wanted time to explore myself and see who I became. I wanted to go places and meet people and do things that simply did not interest my ex. I wanted to be with someone who completed me in every way, and I had come to realize that that person simply was not him.
I've heard before that in relationships, you are always falling into love or out of love. You are either constantly finding things about your significant other that make you happy or you are losing sight of why you are together in the first place...I had been falling out of love for a long time.
I couldn't prolong the inevitable, and I couldn't lead my partner to believe I was on the same page as him any longer. After what seemed like years of thought and debate, I concluded that I needed to be single. I needed to not make decisions as part of a package I was not committed to. I ended the relationship.
But was it easy? Did my heart remain whole? Absolutely not. My heart shattered into a million fragments. It splintered and contorted and fell apart at the seams because the person I loved and had wanted to be with forever was not the person meant for me. And it is hard. It is certainly hard on his end, and he has the hardship of not having a choice in the decision...but it is far from easy on me.
He was my best friend. For over two and a half years, I shared everything about myself with him. My best moments were shared with him, and he held me up in my lowest points. We learned about each other, about loving, and about how to be the kind of boyfriend and girlfriend a boyfriend or girlfriend would need us to be. I like to think that we are both better off for the people we are lead to in the future. I like to think we were a stepping stone for each other into future loves which will make the love and happiness and then hurt of our relationship seem worth it and part of a larger, more complex plan than we can envision for ourselves.
For him, he found someone. Approximately a month after the relationship ended, he met and began to date someone else. It bothered me. I questioned over and over why I was so bothered when I did not regret my decision and also would not have wanted to try again, even given the opportunity. I didn't harbor bad feelings toward the girl or wish ill upon their relationship. But I wondered why it still mattered so much that he was with her.
After lots of internal examination, I came to the conclusion that the hurt is rooted in my desire. I desired a life partner. I desired someone to hold my hand and put his arm around me and tell me I was the most beautiful thing he'd laid eyes on. He did those things for me...but he was not the person I wanted. For her, he could be. I struggle because I see a person I loved and desired to be what he simply was not with someone who could be everything he's looking for. They both have a shot at something I fought for for a year and a half and never won. I didn't want my relationship to fail. I didn't want to be the one to say that it wasn't working. But it wasn't working, and it did fail.
It hurts. It was my decision, and it hurts. I didn't choose it because it was easy. I chose it knowing that it may be one of the hardest things I will have to choose in life, and I chose it anyway on the gamble that I can be happier in another situation down the road. I have the capacity to love and give to someone so fully, I just need the right person.
And I have faith that will happen. I am disheartened but I am not over. I am not giving up, and I am optimistic about the future. Already, I am spending time with people I never had the time for when my life revolved around my boyfriend. I am meeting new people and experiencing new things and going new places, and I thrive in those environments. But I hate when other make light of how I feel because it was my choice.
I just need to set the record straight that my choice does not mean I am hurt-free yet hurting does not mean I have regrets. Am I happy with my decision? Yes. Am I ready to try again with someone new? Yes. Am I hurting still? Yes. But I believe in a big God who holds my hand when times are rough and surrounds me with His love and tells me I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen because I am made in His image. And I know that one day, He will give me to someone deserving of my heart...until then, I am happily His.
