I think everyone thinks about them. The lovers that come and go. & I use the term "lovers" very lightly...not necessarily meaning that I fell in love with these boys or that they fell in love with me...but just meaning that at one point - at one time or place in my life & whatever kind of person I was then & the kind of person they were then....they had a piece of my heart. They may not have known it. You don't have to know you've touched someone's life to do it. Some of these boys hurt me; some of them I hurt; some went away, & I never knew why. Some made me cry for days; some made me happier than I've ever been. Some are responsible for bringing sunshine into my life, & some were like an ever-present rain cloud. Some I think of fondly, & some disgust me these days. But you never really forget about those people. The memories run together. A few memories stand out more so than others...there are a few boys even I will claim to have loved. But mostly, I'm left with a handful of shards...pieces to puzzles I no longer have or was never able to finish.
I could throw those pieces away. I could discard them as junk, as useless objects that really complete nothing in my life, because the puzzles no longer even exist. & really, I guess I wouldn't be bad off without these pieces. But for whatever reason, I hold onto them - detrimental to my happiness or not. I hold onto those shards, I look at those shards, I review those shards. There is a part of my mind like a washing machine - turning over and over these random pieces, trying to wash out the grit and make sense of the mess.
But tonight, I don't really care to come to conclusions. I don't think there are conclusions. Because, remember? There is no puzzle. No, tonight...I just want to talk. Talk and remember. Cause there were some good times. & that's why I hold onto those pieces. Because no matter how many pieces are jagged, piercing my skin each time I clench my fist tightly around them, there are a few that are really valuable. An original composition, a breathtaking landscape, a salty sea breeze, the taste of cigarettes and booze, exhilarating freedom. And those pieces...are what make it all worthwhile.
C - I remember twirling on a swing in the park, when you surprised me by asking to meet there. You teasing, telling me stories that I soaked up every word of. I remember hugging over the hood of your Bronco and you asking me to the military ball. I filled up with happiness. I'd never pictured it. I remember Mardi Gras over a year ago...how you tied my car keys to your Mardi Gras beads and ran from me when I needed to leave. I followed you into the back room and we kissed for the first time by the school security cart. I remember you sat with my through my scrapbook club meetings and took me to Chick Fil A after your zero period workouts. I remember that crazy snow day when we tore up a field with the 4x4 and you held me in the snow while I pet horses in a snow-covered pasture. I remember when that cop gave us hell. I remember you showing me that old logging trail. I remember being happy when you started calling more...just to talk. I remember when you took me aside and sideswiped me, telling me it just wasn't working. I remember being dazed and crying in the hallway until some friends found me and sat me down and let me talk it out. I remember taking the writing assessment that morning, my vision blurred as I tried to focus on the writing prompt.
K - I remember the first time we'd really interacted. I remember late nights those first few days...on the phone for hours. I remember going to bed at 4AM and waking up for 5AM workouts, both asleep on our feet, laughing at each other and with each other. I remember hearing your voice break as you talked about your ex and realizing slowly but surely that I wanted you to be mine. I remember how everything changed that week and we fell asleep on each other during the bus ride home. I remember coming home and not being able to get you off my mind. I remember being confused as you reached out to me, depended on me, cared for me, confided in me, but still harbored so much pain from your ex. I remember praying that you would be happy, even if it wasn't with me, because my heart broke for you. I remember when my dad died. I remember crying to you and you holding me. I remember your mom bringing over a casserole and you giving my mother a flag case and carved name plate for my dad. I remember you meeting my family and my brother making fun of you in your "lumberjack shirt" but my eyes shining, not being able to imagine a better person's arms to be in. I remember sitting in your hot tub with another couple and realizing that you might finally feel the way that I did. I remember holding your hand and hanging out at your house. I remember our ups and downs...so many ups and downs. I remember sleepless nights and endless crying. I remember the first time we broke up. & I remember dressing up in my cutest and sexiest clothes for a week after, knowing you noticed me. I remember leaving for the mountains that weekend and being out of phone service and showers. I remember coming home, the house to myself, and sitting in my pj's when the doorbell rang. My eyes filling with tears when it was you...with your best friend prodding you to say what you'd been saying to him since I left - that you wanted me back. I remember being happy again, but it didn't tide us over. The same issues popped up. & it was too late to fix things. I couldn't compromise, nor could you. I remember when your dad died. & I went to your house & saw you shaking in pain, & I sobbed, because I couldn't reach out to you...I remember not being myself for nearly a year.
G - I remember you showing up to my 17th birthday celebration as a tag-along with my friend. You teased that everyone you'd just met was getting naked as we stripped to underwear to wash off after mud-wrestling in the rain. I remember you reaching out, offering consolation, when in the past six months I had lost my dad, my cousin, my closest ex's dad, and my friend's mom. I remember our beginning conversations, getting to know each other. I remember J calling me, telling me to come hang out & hinting that you were there. I couldn't come swim but at the last minute was able to come. I remember J telling me later that you'd left when I couldn't come but they'd called you when I changed my mind & you turned around, speeding back to beat me there; I thought you'd been there the whole time. I remember that first kiss, when I grudgingly offered a kiss on the cheek, but you turned last minute and surprised me (pleasantly, of course). I remember laughing later when you said I tasted like fruit loops, and you liked it. I remember both being out of town for a week - you in North Carolina with family and me in New York at a West Point summer camp. I remember coming back to my room every day to several missed calls and a voicemail from you. I remember talking for minutes at a time during my limited free time at night, & when we lost service repeatedly, we'd call back every time. I remember never laughing harder, never teasing more, never being more connected with anyone before. I remember when I was trying to fly home standby and I kept getting bumped off flights. I sat in the Newark airport for over eight hours and we talked the entire time. We had so much in common. I remember the first time someone put a guitar in your hands. I was hard to please, asking you to play song after song until I was satisfied...you had real talent. & I'm a sucker for a musician. "45", "Sweet Home Alabama", "Sweet Child O' Mine", "Wanted Dead or Alive", "Twenty-One"...all my favorites and the strings were putty in your hands. I remember when you came bowling with my youth group and looked so cute in your blue jeans with the Skoal rings. I was proud to be with you. I remember riding around in your truck, feet out the window, as you showed me where you'd grown up and who you'd grown up with. I remember sitting in that cab for hours while you shared your music with me. I remember falling asleep together on the futon and waking up in your arms.
J - You are, perhaps, singularly the person who has had the most influence on my life...& I doubt you even know it. It was because of you that I joined a movement I never would have considered without your encouragement. & that movement singularly has had the biggest impact on my life thus far. I remember crushing on you from the day I met you ,when I was still an awkward eighth grader and you were a rising-in-popularity freshman. I remember being silly and girly and air-headed and trying to impress you, thinking I had a chance. I remember when I realized I was foolish, and I didn't. I remember when I felt like you began to take me seriously. When I joined you on your home turf and felt almost equal. You were a god to me. It's unseemly how much I looked up to you. You were everything I wanted that I couldn't put a finger on. Yet you drove me nuts. As soon as I felt really good about something, you'd do another thing to tear it all down and cut me down to size and scare me back into my old way of thinking. I remember I resigned myself to just being in your life...because whatever that cost me, it was infinitely better than losing you. I remember being jealous of everyone who got more attention that I did and then cursing myself for giving one person so much POWER over me. Cause that's exactly what you had: power. I've never ever given someone so much free rein over me. I would have done anything you wanted. But finally, I developed a backbone. I was able to argue with you, rather than just agree and fall into the trance I always did. I fought back. I had a job and a mission, and I became determined to forget you and immerse myself in something I had control over...cause I couldn't control you. No one can. But then you threw me for a loop. Those last few months of your senior year...working closely with you. Teasing more than ever before, yet not allowing myself to hope. Those days when you put your hand on my leg, saying "Truuuuuuuust....", as I flinched, convinced you were fixing to tickle me or dead-leg me. But you didn't. & you did do right by me. I didn't approve of a lot of things you did...but you had never done me wrong at that time. You were open with me as far as I knew, and I felt like if you opened up to me even a little, it'd be worth it. & it was. But then there was the senior walk. I remember looking for all of my boys, ready to hug, but secretly keeping my eye out for you. I remember hugging your friends (& my friends), then hearing your name further down the line. I turned, once again cut down to size...you'd passed me by. But when I looked, you were coming back to hug me. & it was a long hug. & then I felt your lips on my hair...what?! I pulled back to look you in the eye and saw your mind made up. You kissed me full-on, for the first time, in a hall full of people. I soared. I remember a year later, when I was at a party and heard you'd be there. I remember specifically avoiding you, not trusting myself to be good. But it was no good. You found me, and I fell into your arms like before. & it's a bittersweet thing.
J - I remember being crazy about you. I remember rushing hormones and late nights and early mornings. I remember you picking me up after a scrapbooking crop and heading out to Camp Blood. I remember holding hands and screaming through the wooded trails as you tried to convince me that the chainsaws were fake. I remember when you came to Synago & made me happy, talking to all of my church friends and hanging out by the bonfire, holding my hand and making me feel safe. I remember Halloween night, hanging out behind Ephesus for what seemed like ages, waiting on Z to get the call from A about where we were going. I remember playing on the playground together and ending up freezing all night, sleeping in my car. I remember when you ran up to J and Z in Z's truck and what you were wearing. I remember teasing before meets and snuggling on the bus. I remember being gross and sweaty together after practice and walking together to first period. I remember when your truck broke down and we had to sit outside in the freezing cold forever while your dad came to get us. I remember feeling like life was simple. You liked me, I liked you, and that was enough at the time.
Z - I remember meeting you. I remember taking down your number but secretly deciding I was interested in one of your friends, not you. I remember trying to keep flirting to a minimum over text the next day, so that you wouldn't get the wrong idea...but then I agreed to come back that night. & then I agreed to play pong with you. & then I gave you a kiss on the cheek for good luck. & then it was a kiss on the lips. & then I was a goner. I remember texting my friends to come get me before I was dumb. But then I agreed to walk around the block with you...and for whatever reason, I trusted you. Every ounce of me wanted you to be a good person...and you were. I was fortunate. I could have fallen for a lot worse of a person. I remember leaving your house that night for another party. I remember getting back to our house and settling in for the night, chilling with the guys who came to stay over from further down the beach. But then you called...and wanted to come over. So I met you and brought you back. & the following morning, we walked hand in hand to the beach at like 0530. When you suggested watching the sunrise - quite frankly, I wasn't digging it. & lying on the beach beside you, my sides covered in powdery white sand...I definitely wasn't digging it. But I was digging you. & I listened to you make promises and tell me I was something special and you didn't want to forget me. But I didn't believe you. I'd met boys like you, I thought...& I wasn't convinced. So you walked me home, & I didn't expect to hear from you the rest of my trip. But then that night, you texted me & we met up. & we walked all over that beach town, hand in hand. Then we sat in the park and I laid my head on your chest and we talked...for hours. I remember your hoarse voice: "shawty I was just playin..." & I remember deciding then that I didn't want to lose you. Because it was your senior trip and you could have been anywhere in that town, but you chose to be with me...on your last night. I remember parting again - this time hoping against hope that it wasn't over...and that I would hear from you again. I remember thinking I was settled in for the night at 3AM but then going back out with a friend. I remember again walking down the beach, this time with a different boy...one that was into me, but I was torn. I wanted you. So I put off the other boy, and then you began to text me again. This time, I went to your place. & for our last night, I fell asleep in your arms. The next morning, I can hardly recall. I feel like I didn't give a good enough goodbye, I was so sleep-deprived from days of roaming at night. But it wasn't over. I felt connected to you, even at home. I had faith and I trusted you. You weren't the typical summer romance. You cared for me...& I cared for you. I remember phone calls and sharing music and keeping posted. I remember being so frustrated when visits didn't work but kicking myself for acting like it was such a huge deal...it was rough. I remember being terrified that you'd stop caring for me. & then the memories stop...& I strain & strain & strain, but I don't know what else to remember. ...There is nothing else to remember.
...I'm fairly certain that "I didn't cite half my memories half as well as I should like, and I cited less than half of them half as well as they deserved..." (in a funky twist on Bilbo Baggins).
But these are the things that my minds swirls with, daily. These are the puzzle pieces that tumble repeatedly in the laundromat of my brain. & whether having them on my blog (which is the new paper) will torment me or ease my mind, I'm not sure. But continuing to tumble will be no worse than already and if perhaps the spin cycle ceases, I may be better off.
So if you're reading this, try not to judge too harshly. You may know some of the people I speak of, but I don't speak for their benefit; I speak for mine.
"& that's all I have to say about that." - Forrest Gump
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