Remembering What I Deserve

It shouldn't be hard to never accept less than you deserve. But we do...or I do at least from time to time. I want so much for the right thing to work out and the right people to work out that I try and force things in my life. I'm not good at accepting no for an answer. I'm not good at realizing that many times no answer is a no in itself. I try and turn conversations into yes's. I try and warp reality in my mind so that it pleases the vision I have for myself. And I end up acting in ways I'm not proud of and allowing people to treat me in ways I don't deserve. Because I twist it into something that's okay with me when the reality of the situation is that I'm not okay with it. In this way I feel like I have control in instances I'm actually spiraling out of control.

But when I step back and look objectively, or when I tell my story to someone else, I hear the advice I would give a friend in my situation...such as, "He stopped pursuing you because he had you, you allowed yourself to not need pursuing." or "You need to get out. You've been open about how you feel, and he's told you he doesn't reciprocate in that way, so there's nothing left for you there. It's a toxic relationship." And listening to me giving myself that advice now, I realize I am right...and my friends have been right all along.

I realize that I've stuck around too long with someone who simply does not care for me. Someone who will take what he can get but doesn't want to be there for me at the end of the day. Someone who will call me when he's drunk then keep it casual when he's sober. Someone who is crazy about his ex-girlfriend still all the while that I am crazy about him.

And I am choosing the out. It stinks. It's not what I want, and it's not what I had planned. I feel chemistry, and I really like the guy. He's incredible and really deserves the best. But he's not the guy for me because the right one wouldn't make me feel this way, really. The right one would prioritize me and be interested in my life as much as I am interested in his. He would flatter me and spoil me and be proud of who I am.

So I take comfort in that although I have not found "the one" yet, I am learning the kinds of people that are not "the one." I am learning the kinds of relationships that will end in hurt versus those that have potential. I am still not actively searching but I know that everything happens for a reason and that if it's not working out, it's because it's not supposed to work out, and I need to come to terms with that.

It's easier said than done...but I am striving toward it. I love my life, and I have the best of friends and have made some of the most incredible memories this summer, just being with new people and in new places.